It's just an honest mistake...

They say that when you have someone or a partner, you will be inspired and you will feel happy because you are really in love. But in my case, I don't see it like that because the problem is, I don't love him or even have an affection for him. I don't know why I'm into this relationship and why I'm keeping him. It's just that the bottom line is, I can't love him even if how hard I try. I just can't. Every time I look at his face and when I look deeper into his eyes, I can't feel that spark. The so called magic in love. I'm emotionless... Every time I'm with him, i can't feel that excitement and that extreme happiness I felt before when I was still madly in love with someone. I don't feel the same thing and it's really awkward.

I tried to break up with him once but he said "no" and tried to convinced me not to. I was convinced I guess.. But what bothers me most is that I can see his effort in trying to be with me in any way he can. And my conscience is killing me since I don't have feelings for him and all he knows is that I'm also in love with him. I'm not used to this kind of situation and I'm not used to this kind of awkwardness.

Every time I think of breaking up with him, my heart says yes but my mind says no and it is confusing me. I know my heart is just telling the truth and it's just being honest. But my mind is opposing my heart and I just don't know why. I can't help it! My heart is trying to convince my conscience but my mind is so strong. It's funny basically because my conscience is inside my mind and it's being independent. Wow! am I insane? But I don't think so. I maybe just confused of which is to be followed.

I don't want to ask God of what to do because deep within me, I know that this is wrong and I keep on doing it. It's an honest mistake and it's freaking me out. It's shameful to Him asking if what will I do since it is just a crazy thing and I am just making things complicated. But what will I do? I think my mind is trying to be someone and it's making it's own decision without even confronting me.. What the heck?!...

I just hope that maybe in some way, I will be guided and enlightened. I just hope that no one will be hurt in the end and we will end up in good terms. I hope it will be that easy...